- Sleep is not necessary. At five am the man selling gas drives round, giving five jolly little beeps of his horn and twenty second intervals to alert you to his presence. A little later you are treated to a similar performance by the men selling potatoes. At six twenty the man with the mega phone comes round entreating you to sell him your scrap metal. Followed by the lady selling newspapers by calling out an unrecognisable word which may possibly mean 'news', though the exact pronunciation and sing song intonation does not appear in any Spanish text book I know. At six thirty you give up and go and have a shower.
- Breakfast is the most interesting meal of the day, with a procession of intriguing breakfast dishes putting the, often rather more bland, lunch and dinner options to shame. I like the rolled balls of banana, potato pancakes, hot sweet corn porridge eaten with soft sweet bread, and 'Tigrillo' which means 'small tiger' and is in fact egg with onions, plaintain and cheese.
- It is absolutely necessary, especially when walking through town, always to carry a diminutive dog, or preferably, a puppy in each hand. The dog or dogs must always be wearing a small coat.
- Indicators are not necessary whilst driving, especially in a taxi. Adherence to red lights and sobriety are also apparently optional as is slowing down to try to avoid passing pedestrians. Whatever you do though, do not annoy the traffic police. If she blows her whistle, you obey. Regardless.
- Maps are not necessarily accurate. Address are always wrong.
- Piñatas, however, are essential
- Always sing loudly when returning from a party. This will usually occur after most people have given up and got up anyway.
- Salt is not necessary. Most things, including some that are savoury, are already sweet. But extra sugar is always offered.
- Things are not always what they seem. An advertised 'tango performance' at six, is in fact an opportunity to dance it yourself, rather half heartedly, with a slightly bored expression, and begins at seven thirty. A Hindu festival on Sunday from ten at a restaurant is actually, the normal menu (which is Indian inspired) from ten. As per every other day. Any actual Hindu festivities happen for an hour. From six. An advertised mime demonstration in the market is actually, well...just the market. On the other hand, a music festival half heartedly mentioned as a small thing, is in fact huge, free and unmissable. A dance piece at the theatre is genuinely incredible and turns out to be by a famous choreographer. And you can find something mind blowingly brilliant just by happening to walk past a small courtyard at eight - and not find yourself emerging till after midnight.
- Churches are usually closed. For lunch. Lunch is three to four hours any time from eleven to four. They are also closed for dinner. And for sleeping.
- If you can have a different word for it to the rest of the Spanish speaking world, you should. If you can make that word a recognisable word which, everywhere else, means something different...even better. Hence a quesadilla is a sweet pastry, a tortilla is a pancake, and, whilst a Morocho is a corn drink, a Morocho empanada is rice and meat. And contains no corn of any kind.
- The colourful designs on things are not just pretty, each one means something. Ask your artisanal painter. Do not ask your market seller.
- 'America' always means 'South America'. If you want to talk about North America - don't.
- Policeman use segweys. At all times. And with obvious enjoyment.
- No one other than you uses sun tan lotion. It's price is therefore whatever you look like you might be desperate enough to pay.
- Hot water is not necessary.
- Elbows are very necessary. Polite waiting in line is only an opportunity to people watch all the South Americans pushing in front of you. Queuing is a hobby you might have to fill in some spare hours.
- It is important to always sincerely wish everyone 'Bon Provecho' (equivalent of 'bon appetit') when entering, leaving, or generally moving about near anyone who is eating. It doesn't matter if you know the people. But it does matter to genuinely hope they really do have good digestion. You can shove them out of the way, run them over, or shut them casually in the door of a bus, but when it comes to their nutritional health, you really care.
- Life is bright, unpredictable, chaotic and jubilant. Grab it or it will pass you by.
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